Repost

I’ve got major writer’s block (aka everyone I know is in a bad mood and I think I’ve absorbed all of it, because although there’s nothing for me to be cranky about, I am) so am reposting an old blog post.  I was going to look back a year, but last November was, arguably, one of the worst months of my life, so I went back two years.  Everything I wrote is still true – only more so.

That’s really why I blog.  I do it because about twenty years ago, my mother found a journal that her mom had wrote in about her kids and was so incredibly moved by it.  Knowing how her mother felt about she and her siblings when they were kids was amazing for her, and I remember thinking that when I had kids, that’s what I was going to do.  Only I wasn’t going to do one little journal – I was going to write and write and write.  Plus I like writing.  A lot.  It’s my therapy, my way of making sense of what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.  And even though I’ve had some problems with this blog, I’m not going to stop.  I flat out love this blog, I love looking back three years ago and seeing where I was, and how I was thinking about things.  I love that other people read it, I’ve found connections and relationships and major support (hello, JoEllen 🙂 when I needed it.  But at the heart of it, I blog for me, for my kids and for Marc.  

Jessica Mary – you are my angel girl, my first little love.  You were my baby – and I wanted to have a little girl just like you for the longest time.  You are brilliant and kind, funny and sweet.  Maternal and loving and emotional and dramatic, and so beautiful it still takes my breath away.  We have an intense relationship, there’s nobody who can make me crazier than you, nobody who can bring me to tears faster.  I love you more than you’ll ever know – and I’m so proud of you.

Samuel Earl – you are my baby boy, my love bug boy and the child I never planned on.  Not that you weren’t a planned pregnancy, I just never thought I’d have a boy.  And from the very beginning – you just swept me away with your love and devotion.  I can’t imagine how I ever started a morning without my Sammy-love.  You’re stubborn, loving, sweeter than honey and everything that I never knew I needed so desperately in my life.  I love you more than you’ll ever know – and I’m so proud of you.

Julianna Ruth – you have been such a joy, right from the very instant you were conceived.  I knew, right away with you – I started throwing up immediately.  My pregnancy with you was torturous, and you have been such an amazing addition to my life, I’d even consider doing it again.  You are all sunshine and happiness, big beautiful eyes and a smile that lights up the room.  I can’t remember my life before you were in my arms – and thank God for you everyday.  I love you more than you’ll ever know – and I’m so proud of you.  

And Marc – I wouldn’t have any of this without you.  Not my brilliant girl, my lovebug boy, or my sunshiney baby.  I wouldn’t have this beautiful home, this loving family -I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without you by my side.  I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve you – to be loved as passionately, as sweetly – you know me inside and out and have never, ever made me feel anything other than completely cherished.  I love you more than you’ll ever know – and I’m so proud of you and the family we’ve built together.