Changes

Julie starts school next week. TECCA, so it’s online school, but she’ll be officially enrolled in public school as of 1/27. Homeschooling did not work well for Jules. She learned a lot, but it was definitely a lot harder than I think either of us anticipated it would be. For one thing – she really, really likes to work independently. She also really struggled with the lack of direction and structure. As a parent, I wanted so badly to help her, but it seemed like the more I tried, the worse it got.

Plus, the reality is that I have to sit right next to Sam (or across the room from Sam) but I have to be actively engaged in teaching him. I’m realizing more and more that I’m essentially homeschooling him, with a curriculum and support from teachers. But I have to preview all the lessons for accessibility issues and then read it all to him, all of the math problems need to be rewritten on a white board and it was so much harder than I thought it would be to balance out two kids both needing my time and attention. Julie constantly felt like I was ignoring her needs, Sam felt guilty and then anxious because I was focusing on him, and I just felt like crap all the time.

I’m anticipating a ROUGH few weeks while we adjust to her attending TECCA. It’s not the first time, as a parent, when I’ve wanted to clone myself, but it’s never fun to have more than one kid wanting you. And knowing that you’re screwing up by neglecting the one kid by paying attention to the other. Even alternating kids, so then you’re just screwing up both of them by not fully meeting anyone’s needs.

Upside (because I’m all about a positive spin) is that Jessica Mary is going to be 18 in less than 18 days. And she hasn’t let me help her with school in years. Except for last night, when I explained what “thy” means in Olde English. There’s not a hell of a lot that I like about my oldest child reaching adulthood and moving ever closer to moving away from me, but knowing that she doesn’t need or want my help is reassuring when I’m looking at two kids who are both going to need a lot of one on one over the next few months.