Hospital

I spent yesterday afternoon in the labor and delivery unit, hooked up to a fetal monitor, listening to my baby girl’s heartbeat. On a side note, anyone know how much one of those would cost? If I could hook myself up every night, I would… there’s nothing more reassuring that the beat of your baby’s heart.

I had gone out to breakfast yesterday morning with Marc and Sam while the girls were at Hebrew School. And as we were getting ready to go, I turned around quickly, and caught the edge of the booth with my ginormous belly. It hurt, really, really bad. And at first I was okay, I was just rubbing where it hurt, but then I panicked, and suddenly all I could think was that I had somehow hurt her, or ruptured something – and what if, what if, what if. I started crying, and then I couldn’t stop. It hurt so bad, and I was so scared… I called my OB and went in for a “tracing.”

The lovely nurse found her heartbeat right away and I spent the next several hours in bed, just listening. I feel so much closer to my baby now – so much more like she’s a real presence and so much more connected to the pregnancy. Listening to her move, she had the hiccups several times while I was hooked up.

It’s difficult to describe, because I was already pretty well connected to this pregnancy. In a lot of ways – I feel more attached to this little person than I did to either of my other pregnancies at this point. Jessie was conceived immediately after I miscarried twins, and a lot of her pregnancy was clouded with grief – I was still missing my babies I lost and almost too afraid to really connect with her on an intimate level. And with Sam, we didn’t find out the sex – and I think that made a difference for me as well. Missing that critical detail hampered the intimacy of it, somehow. But with this baby – she’s my baby girl. And I’m so in love with her already – so connected to the pregnancy and every movement just reaffirms our connection. She’s still so tiny and so fragile, and I was so terrified that I might have hurt her.

But all is well… I’m sore, still, and can definitely feel where I banged it yesterday. My sciatic nerves (nerve?) is REALLY painful, and sitting yesterday in the hospital bed for three hours and not moving meant that last night was excrutiatingly painful. But I’m a lot better this morning, able to get up and move around. And so grateful to be having this baby.

Here’s hoping for a problem free fifteen weeks or so 🙂