It goes by so fast

Everything with Julianna is bittersweet for me.  Because I know, on some level, that she’s my last little baby.  I love having babies, and if Marc and I were younger, I think I’d have seventeen of them.  I’m 36 and Marc is 40, and if we wait until Julianna is three (which is really the age difference that I like the best), then I’m looking at a pregnancy at 40.  Julie’s pregnancy was really tough, and I don’t know that I want to do it again.   I know that it’s early days still, and at this point with both Jessie and Sam, I wasn’t anywhere near ready to even consider when I’d want another.  The difference was that I always wanted three kids – that was my magic number, so more and more, I think that Julianna is probably my last little baby.  I’m not saying absolutely – and Marc would have more in a heartbeat – so maybe I’ll change my mind, but I don’t think so.

So everything with Julie is tinged with this little bit of wistfulness.  She was laying on the couch, I was changing her diaper.  Which is one of my favorite times with Julie – because she LOVES being naked.  She chews on her toes and rolls around and smiles and giggles at me.  I was leaning over her, holding her head and kissing her sweet perfect little face, over and over again.  And I commented to Marc that it all goes by so fast, and she’s the only one of my kids that I can just snuggle and kiss for as long as I want to now.  Because let’s face it, while Jess and Sam are totally affectionate and loving, they won’t let me just lean over them, holding their little faces and kissing the hell out of their cheeks.  Sam piped up that he would, so he came over and let me hold his face and kiss him.  I kept kissing his little forehead and cheeks until he finally protested… because he’s too big for that.  He just is.  It changes.  I snuggled Jess to sleep last night, with her trying to push her extra icy feet onto my legs and we giggled and laughed and played… so it’s not like it doesn’t move into something as fun, it’s not that I lose that affection and love and tenderness – but it’s different. 

So I wallow in this stage with Julie – I hold her thru every nap, and walk around my house cooking dinner, doing laundry and getting drinks for the kids with one hand because she’s on my hip 24/7.  Because I’ve learned that it doesn’t last forever – and the day is going to come all too soon when she wiggles away from my kisses.  And on that day – I’m going to be grateful for every single second that I spent kissing her for as long as I could 🙂