Marriage

I have a really good marriage. I just do. I think part of it is luck and most of is hard work, but in general, you’d have say, judging it as objectively as I can, my marriage is better than most.

Marc and I had a huge fight this weekend, and we’re all better now – but I feel all emotionally worn out. And with this pregnancy, any kind of huge emotional upheaval makes me physically ill, I also feel as though I was run over by a truck.

Our marriage is based on a lot, not just a strong chemistry, a genuine friendship and love for each other, we both, at the heart of it, want the other to be happy. We both believe in what we’re doing, raising our family together, making certain financial sacrificies to raise our children the way we want to raise them. We’ve both been damaged by bad marriages, Marc having had a divorce before we met and I grew up with divorced parents. We’re both very aware of how bad a marriage can be and in our own way, I think we both really work actively to make sure we never get close to even considering going down that road.

But I was thinking today about how it really is such a conscious choice. For me, anyway. I have to consciously think about it sometimes, to make the decision to stop being mad, to compromise, to figure out a way to work past whatever the issue is. I’m a relentless communicator, ridiculously so at times, and certainly when I’m pregnant and hormonal, I’m a pretty damn irritating one. I won’t let it go until it’s over. If we’re fighting over something, I have to know that we’re on the same page – we don’t have to agree, but I need to know that he knows what I’m feeling and I have to understand what he’s trying to say to me. Marc’s much better at action than with words – it’s very rare for him to get mad in the first place, and even more rare for him to actually express it – which makes it challenging at times because I need the words. I need the communication before I can let it go and move on.

And today – I’m grateful for a lot of different things. I’m grateful for my kids – who are Marc’s children in ways that still surprise me. Sam’s open affection, Jessie’s soliticiousness, their need to make everything better and okay and make everyone happy – they get that from Marc. I’m grateful for Marc – even when he doesn’t want to talk anymore, even when the thought of having yet another conversation/fight on whatever it is that we’re not in agreement on makes him want to scream, he grits his teeth and struggles thru it, and grateful for whatever semblence of sanity I’m able to maintain when I’m this pregnant and sore and emotional – that I’m able to always remember that in the end, I love this man, and he loves me, and that our marriage is precious and amazing and worth whatever it takes. And I’m grateful that we almost never fight, but on some level, I’m also grateful for the opportunity to make up. Because that’s what it’s all about – the making up 🙂