Last night, Julie was disturbed. As she is, at times, she was sobbing because one of her siblings, I can’t remember which, was “being a jerk” to her. Whenever you do anything that displeases her, that’s her go to insult. So she wandered over to be, heartbroken and sad, and I picked her up and snuggled her little head on my shoulder and rubbed her back. And then stopped, because it occurred to me that I don’t know how many more times I can do this.
I can’t pick up Sam or Jessie now. They get heartbroken, I can sit and snuggle them, I can still rub their backs and kiss their foreheads, but picking them up is a thing of the past. And I CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I DID IT WITH EITHER OF THEM. I realized, in that moment, that my days of being a mom to little ones are numbered. Because Julie’s heavy, she’s almost three and a half. She’s just going to keep getting bigger, and some day, not tomorrow, not next month, but someday, I’m going to just sit down with her when she’s crying and that’ll be that.
I think I’m mourning that today. I think having three is the right number for me, and I’m not at the point where I want to get pregnant and do it all again. Mainly, it’s the pregnancy. Julie’s pregnancy was HARD, on me, and on everyone else. I was miserable, sick, itchy, high blood pressure and non stop contractions. And with Marc away as much as he is, I’m really the only full time parent here during the week. I can’t put them thru me being out of commission for nine months. And because I can’t guarantee that it’d be an easy pregnancy, because it’d probably be as tough as Julie’s, possibly worse with my blood pressure – I was really close to pre-eclampsia at the end of her pregnancy, it’s probably best for everyone that I stop at three. All these logical, logical, sensible reasons – and I know all that. But I’m wistful and sad today, because there’s a part of me that will always want another baby.
Then I looked back in the archives, and realized that almost exactly a year ago (July 12th, I think), I was feeling the exact same way. I’m thinking it probably has to do with Sam’s birthday – another child turning another year older. Maybe this is how I feel every February, April and July.
(post from last July) http://www.melissaannecohen.com/im-so-not-ready-for-this/
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