Would you believe that I’m seven months pregnant? According to the Baby Book by the Sears, anyway. I was thinking six, but nope – turns out I’m officially seven months along, and delighted about it.
I cried yesterday afternoon, on Marc’s shoulders… sobbing that I just didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. I was tired of feeling sick all the time, tired of hobbling around, moaning in pain because of the sciatica. I’ve outgrown a lot of my favorite maternity clothes already, and everything hurts – I’m emotional as can be, prone to tears at random times. No energy… winter is not a fun time for me to be pregnant. I really think if I could get outside and be more active, it’d be better, but it’s so icy out there, I’m afraid of falling and hurting myself. It’s hard, because everytime I feel sorry for myself about suffering thru all the aches and pains of pregnancy, I then yell at myself for not feeling grateful, especially where one of my favorite people in the world is trying so hard to get pregnant – and would kill to be where I am. Then I feel crappy, sick, sore, and guilty. It’s a vicious cycle. But I realized yesterday that even though I’m so happy about this baby, and so excited about her arrival – that doesn’t mean that this pregnancy is blissful, and it’s okay to occasionally feel sorry for myself. It doesn’t mean that I’m ungrateful or unaware of how incredibly blessed and lucky I am. It just means that sometimes, pregnancy is wicked freaking hard. And being sore and sick and tired and achy for months on end is enough to drive anyone a little over the edge at times.
Today’s much better though, I’m starting to feel a real sense of impatience. I’m READY for the baby… I’m eager to have her HERE. I keep picturing her here with us, curled up in my arms nursing while I’m reading, or sitting with Sam.
Speaking of Sam… I’m doing a LOT of prep work to get him ready for the new baby. I got the books by the Sears, What Baby Needs and something else, something about what happens when Mommy is pregnant. He’s pretty freaked out at the prospect of me being in the hospital for a couple of days, this really bothers him, but I keep talking about it in the most positive of terms. I’m also mildly concerned that he’s going to be really freaked out at the time and care that a baby is going to demand from me – he’s been my baby for a long time, and pushing him out of that spot might be rough. But I think he’s mostly ready. It helps a lot that this is my third, and I’ve been thru this before. My greatest fear, when I was pregnant with Sam, was that Jessie was going to be miserable, feel as though we’d ruined her life and feel unloved and pushed aside. And really – she handled it so well that I’m a lot more optimistic about how Sam’s going to handle this one. It helps a lot that he’s given up nursing on his own, I feel as though that’s a real sign that he’s not a baby anymore and will deal with having a new little one with no problem. With any luck.
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