Yuck

I’m already dreading my goal of heading out every damn day. It’s wicked cold out there… and quite honestly, I’m not in the mood to trek out into the wild blue yonder. But trek I shall, because it’s good for me and good for Sam.

Had another fight with Marc last night over time spent at the gym. It’s so frustrating to me – and I can’t get him to understand that. I feel like we’re constantly at odds when it comes to this issue, and to a certain sense, I’ve come to terms with that. We’re just never going to agree on it. He’s forever going to think that he’s not spending enough time working out, and I’m always going to think that he’s not spending enough time at home.

But there’s another level to it now – and it’s starting to bug me. I’m feeling like I’m the only parent. The only hum-drum, every day, go to bed, here’s your breakfast, let me pack your lunch, stop bugging your sister, if you whine one more time, you’re going to bed parent. Marc’s the fun one. The sit on the carpet, come let me cuddle you, play fight on the bed parent.

To a certain extent, it’s just a function of having one stay at home parent and one full time working parent. But the amount of time that Marc has been spending at the gym has added to it – because his time is so limited, I can understand him wanting to make his time with the kids fun for them, but by doing that, I feel like I’m shouldering 100% of the unfun parts of parenting.

I just want him more involved. I’d like him to tell Jess to set the table once in a while – but he’s never here for dinner anymore. I’d like him to change a diaper, assume responsibility for baths, read the bedtime stories once in a while. Not all the time. I mean, of course, it’s my job to do the majority of the household stuff – we ironed out cleaning responsibilities a long time ago, and I’m not complaining about that. But this is childcare that I’m talking about – and I’m tired of being alone. I’m just lonely… I didn’t want to do this by myself. I want a buddy, another adult, someone else to break up the fights, kiss the booboos, get the drinks. Not all the time, but not just one night a week either. The weekends are so crazy with all four kids here, and it feels more like just crowd control most of the time, not parenting, it’s during the week that I miss him and want him here with me. I’d like for him to want to be here. The kids go to bed, and I’m sitting here by myself, and I’m wondering why it doesn’t feel like my husband actually wants to spend time with me. I was just reading a blog about someone’s daily schedule, and she was writing about how she and her husband split up nighttime chores, she makes dinner, cleans it up, he gives the kids a bath, plays with them, then they put them to bed, and then have some time alone. They read, watch television, have some sort of nighttime treat, hot cocoa or tea… and it sounded so very lovely. I don’t know why I can’t have that. I can make my own cocoa, and read and watch television solo – but it’s not the same.

It’s not just about the kids missing out on time with Marc, it’s about me. And I didn’t realize that until right now.